Sometimes sexuality goes smoothly, but other times sex can become an almost thankless chore. How to break the inertia and enjoy again?
Improving sex life is an almost universal desire in human beings. The reasons are multiple.
There are those who harbor an idealized and reductionist vision of sexuality, forged from the image transmitted by the cinema and the media, without going any further.
Others, prisoners of their insecurities, perhaps imagine that anyone does it or receives it better than they do; They would make inquiries to check their ideas, but how can we talk about it without shame?
There are also those who, in the effort to be perfect lovers, allow their body to collapse and the pleasure to be blocked. There is no high demand without intense frustration.
Self-demand is the enemy of desire. And many common situations lead to it: the desire to be liked or up to par, the tendency to impress or seduce, the fear that the other will seek outside what they cannot find at home.
These and other circumstances, being legitimate and respectable, imply a situation of non-acceptance of the body and of oneself, a search for external recognition, a being more aware of the needs of others than of one’s own. Whoever lives them tends to harbor fears and complexes.
FORGET GETTING BETTER: IT’S ALL ABOUT EXPLORING
Awakening desire and improving the ability to enjoy sexuality is, above all, a matter of attitude, of creating the right conditions for what is natural to occur.
It is about recovering that fresher attitude of the explorer, of the one who plays with his own body and that of the other without expecting more than the simple sharing of tenderness, affection, passion, caresses as if there were nothing else. Because only then can surprise arise, added value.
Choices regarding who to share intimacy with should be prior to sex play. Once in it, only the body, the sensation, the emotion fit; there is no place for objectives, technical analysis or instruction manuals.
Sexuality has to do above all with one’s ability to play, to be open to the senses, to feel comfortable in one’s own skin, to be the owner of the body and of decisions.
Complexes, inhibitions, taboos and social conditioning can interfere with the natural and biological expression of sexuality and desire.
For this reason, improving your sex life has more to do with taking the burden off yourself and regain your lost naturalness than with learning complex lovemaking techniques or ruining yourself in lingerie.
It would be great if, before love, we could all empty our minds of destructive thoughts!
LETTING GO TO ENJOY SEX: WHAT SHOULD WE GET RID OF?
The body is blocked from the head. Myths, prejudices and socially transmitted topics, together with their own insecurities and fears, restrict and block the free and natural expression of sexuality.
In fact, it could be argued that, without them, sexologists’ consultations would be almost empty and a lot of personal and couple suffering would be saved.
Preconceived ideas are an obstacle: “The natural thing is intercourse, the rest, substitute behaviors”, “Fantasies are not a good sign”, “The man is always ready, unless the woman does not attract him”, “The satisfaction of the woman depends on the size of the penis and on how good a lover the man is “.
To these myths or external enemies are added obsessions, complexes and demands, that is, internal enemies: “He will find her small”, “If I can’t make her have an orgasm, she will leave me”, “I don’t think I make her enjoy “,” With this body I can’t like him “.
To regain the security and control that allow you to open up to pleasure and live sexuality with freedom, it is convenient:
- Access truthful and scientifically proven sexual information. It is good to question personal beliefs regarding sexuality. There are books that help overcome obstacles and regain that gaze clean of prejudices that should never have been lost.
- Overcome complexes. Each person has the right to be who he is and to enjoy his body no matter how it is. Fighting against oneself does not improve anything and makes existence bitter.
- Stop comparing yourself to others. It is not true that to be accepted it is necessary to fit in with the aesthetic canons of society or the expectations of others. In fact, the opposite happens: it is complexes and inner bitterness that detract from a person’s social and sexual attractiveness.
- Get the most out of yourself. Complexes are not overcome only on the basis of thoughts. It is good to be encouraged to experiment, to go further. You have to ask yourself: “If I did not have this complex, what would I do that I do not do? Is there something that prevents me from doing it despite having that complex?” And do it!
- Take risks. In intimacy you have to allow yourself not only to experiment, try or ask, but also to stumble, feel ridiculous, have doubts. Sexuality is no different from the rest of the human experience.
- Give yourself permission to feel, to be physically and psychologically naked before your partner, to accept the body’s reactions to pleasure.
- Listening to your own needs, learning to respect, accept and express them is the first step to fully living sexuality.
- Learn to differentiate useful thoughts from absurd or destructive ideas that are the product of insecurity and fear. It is not realistic to expect them to disappear; the key is not to believe them. You have to allow yourself to enjoy even that inner noise, simply letting your thoughts flow without clinging to or rejecting them.
OPEN UP TO STIMULI TO ENJOY MORE AS A COUPLE
Once the blocking aspects are released or attenuated, opening up to sensory and sexual stimuli contributes to fueling desire and, with it, sexuality.
On a personal level, caring for and stimulating the body massages, spas, exercise, experimenting with the senses –scents, tastes, sounds, images, exposing oneself to stimuli with greater erotic content, such as provocative readings or films for example, it is very helpful.
When you are in a couple, it is important not to forget that it is essential to take care of the relationship, to make sure that the common spaces and moments of fun are not lost; There is nothing more erotic than laughter!
There are those who treat themselves to a visit to a sex toy store and allow themselves to explore, laugh. Using these items alone or as a couple enriches sexuality and gives it that spark that is always welcome.
ACCEPT FANTASIES (AND, IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT, SHARE THEM)
Fantasies arise naturally but can also be summoned to enhance desire, increase the attractiveness of the partner itself, regulate the level of excitement during the relationship or give an outlet to the most intimate desires.
Having fantasies or indulging in them does not imply that you want to put them into practice. That is exactly what they are for: to do in the imagination what one cannot or does not want to do in real life.
Some fantasies can be shared with the couple to be integrated into the common game.
Others, perhaps if the partner is very sensitive, could be misunderstood or arouse unfounded fears. It would be the case, for example, of a fantasy with a co-worker or with the firefighter who lives in the next building.
In any case, the fact that they occur is a sign of sexual health.
EXPLORE TO BE KNOWN
Historically reviled, masturbation promotes self-knowledge, sexual health and rapport as a couple.
Among all of them, two advantages stand out:
- It is an effective way of exploring the body, of inhabiting it, of discovering the keys to one’s own pleasure, in order to be able to give clues to the other person.
- It allows to couple different levels of sexual desire as a couple. It cannot be that one always restrains himself or the other always forces himself. When one does not want to be deeply involved, perhaps you can stimulate the other, or watch how he does it or know that he does it.
All people need to feel unique and special, to feel intensely desired by the other. There is nothing that stimulates desire more than this.
If someone feels it, it is good to express it with intensity because that will ignite the desire in the other and, through their reaction, it will enliven their own.
In bed, the most ancient parts of our brain – those most linked to survival – are activated to a greater extent. When a person is guided by them, the concern to improve the sexual life disappears.
7 KEYS TO IMPROVING SEXUAL COMMUNICATION
The silences, the double meanings, the unspoken desires … all this diminishes the potential to enjoy sexuality. In this area, improving communication helps prevent mistakes and achieve desired goals.
Here are seven keys to achieve it:
- Hunger for discovery. Some of the attitude of the first day should be preserved even though years have passed: that eagerness to observe and discover the other, to let themselves be known and express their own desires with grace but without ambiguity.
- No one is a fortune teller or born an expert on your body. It is everyone’s responsibility to express their own needs and desires. Bring your hand to the area that yearns for it, withdraw it when you have enough, an inviting “yes, go on”.
- In bed, nothing can be taken for granted. What worked yesterday or with another person, is today to be discovered and to be verified. In the sexual field, each person is different and each moment also. What makes you vibrate today; tomorrow will not provoke any reaction or want less.
- Asking is the only key to knowing what the other person wants or needs at any given moment. It is not about questioning or passing a sexual functioning test. Trying out more suggestive ways of doing it can be a good start: “Do you want me to lick your back until I’m tired?”
- Be attentive to the responses of the partner’s body to caresses, to their verbal expressions, to the sounds they make. This is also a powerful way to get to know each other and bond better.
- Being expressive helps to make yourself known. It is not about doing theater but it is about allowing yourself to sigh, moan, laugh, to show in some way that a particular caress is especially pleasant.
- Beyond love, talk affectionately about what you liked the most, about that moment when the pace increased, about that firm pressure that made you go crazy.