Tip & Tricks 9 ways to regain sexual desire as a couple

9 ways to regain sexual desire as a couple


Sexual desire in the couple requires care, dedication, time and space that we often do not give it. To escape the routine that turns it off, it is necessary to connect with the body, the sensations and raise awareness about how important pleasure and sexuality is in our life.

Lack of desire is one of the most frequent issues faced by couples who have been together for a long time, and it is even more common and referred to by women. Between 40% and 50% of them feel this lack of sexual desire at some point in their lives. However, according to the National Institute of Statistics (INE), 80% of women up to 65 years of age regularly engage in sexual practices.


We can approach the problem from a therapeutic perspective trying to find out what the causes of this lack of desire are and go to a therapist – alone or as a couple who will help us find a solution. Sexuality is not separated from the rest of our life and from the events that the couple has lived or is experiencing.

Asking yourself some questions can also help you: Since when does this lack of desire occur? Can you relate it to an event that has happened with your partner: birth of a child, search for a pregnancy, infidelity, a change of role, a strong argument, the death of a family member, the loss of a job, a duel in general, an economic change or a work situation …? What root causes do you think may be linked to this lack of sexual desire? The causes of sexual loss of appetite can be multiple:

  • Psychic causes

It must be borne in mind that sexuality is often a mirror and is directly related to the vital moment of the couple. Frustration, stress, pregnancy, childbirth, raising children, menopause, aging crises, etc., also determine the rise or fall of sexual desire, both in the case of men and women. women, and it is something that we should take into account when we look at our sexuality to approach it with care, patience and without pressure.

  • Physical causes

The causes of the lack of desire may also be related to taking certain drugs (anovulatory, antidepressants), diet, diseases such as diabetes, hypertension, chronic fatigue, cancer, These physical factors of the first order it would be the first thing that should be ruled out in consultation with a specialist.

  • Social, cultural and educational causes

Since the lack of desire is so common among women, it is worth wondering to what extent it goes beyond an individual problem and is related to the culture and education received. For years it has not been well seen for women to show sexual desire and if they did, they were easily branded as a nympho or whore, something that was instead a positive sign in the case of a man. There was no talk of female masturbation either until the Satisfayer arrived.

Despite the liberation of customs and living in a hypersexualized society where access to porn is open to almost everyone, sex continues to be taboo. There is no good sex education, nor is sexuality discussed in families. This makes it difficult to connect with sexual desire, especially when pornography and movies in general give an idealized vision of sex that generates demands that turn off libido.


The next question to ask yourself is: Do we really want to regain desire, or do we do it simply because we are “supposed to” feel desire within the couple? Do we do it for us or for ourselves or for “demands” of the couple? The importance of sexuality is different for each person and not everyone should be hypersexual.

It is about being as honest as possible with ourselves to determine how our sexual desire is individually. Have we no wish? Are we attracted to other people (women and men) who are not our partner? Is the type of sexuality you have with your partner the one that really arouses your passion?

To answer these questions, the first thing is to connect with our sexual pleasure, something that with accelerated lives, too mental and disconnected from the body, is not done on a regular basis. What are you willing or willing to do to regain your taste for sex?

If we have good communication as a couple that allows us to express the difficulties in which we find ourselves and what we feel, this will allow us to access our desire more easily.

When it comes to expressing what we feel, the way we do it is decisive so that they listen to us, understand us and respond to our needs. Without launching reproaches or judgments about the other, it is about speaking from the “I feel”, “it happens to me that…”, “I need that…” However, we must not forget what Esther Perel tells us about that that awakens love and that which generates desire.

Sexual desire increases with someone unknown and untamed, with a space to conquer more than with the security that someone known and everyday can give us and with whom we live daily. Therefore, we can be close friends with our partner, have a good coexistence, tenderness and good communication, and yet lack sexual desire.

From this perspective, it is recommended that each member of the couple maintain individual and private spaces in which not everything is counted. And novelty, adventure and secrecy can be good aphrodisiacs. In fact, scientific experiments such as the Coolidge effect refer to the natural tendency to prefer novel sexual stimuli. Finding them is a matter of imagination, dedication, caring for the relationship and also for yourself.


If we do not take care of the relationship with the body although there may also be a sexual desire that comes only from the mind – and the sensations, it is difficult to regain libido. For this we suggest different ways: a massage, relaxing baths, exercises to regain the tone of the pelvic floor, dancing, practicing tantra, yoga, breathing exercises.

All this will achieve a more distended and relaxed body where the parasympathetic system is activated; in this way it is easier to feel the sensation of desire. Therefore, it is necessary to reserve a space in your agenda – even if it is tight – only for pleasure, even if it implies modifying your lifestyle habits. Are you willing to reserve this space for joy in your life? The way out is to modify the belief that “duty always comes before pleasure.” It is the basic belief in our culture.

Finding moments to stop and do what we like just for pleasure and from the encounter with our desire, will allow us to transfer this way of functioning to the couple and sexuality. As the psychotherapist Esther Perel said, one of the things that most arouses desire is to see the other do what they like, and the next thing that also generates a lot of attraction is to contemplate the other as a space to conquer. With what if you dedicate yourself to your pleasure, it is more likely that your partner or partner will arouse the desire for you.


  1. Review unconscious beliefs about sexuality. There is a long list of messages that we have received throughout our lives about sex that are usually repressive and of which we are not aware. However, they can be the root of our lack of libido as they are conditioning us. Along the same lines, we may have suffered a trauma that makes it difficult for us to contact our sexuality and also with our body because the trauma disconnects us from our sensations. Examples of this may be having suffered sexual abuse in childhood, having been a victim of rape, mistreatment, gender violence. In order to get out of it, the first step is to make them aware and then express the pain within the framework of a relationship empathic that allows us to integrate it.
  2. Improve your self-esteem. Different studies closely link the assessment we make of our body with sexual activity. The more self-esteem especially bodily self-esteem the more frequent in sexual relations. In addition, this is fed back because, the more we enjoy sex, the more our self-esteem rises. Love your body and be grateful for everything it gives you every day.
  3. Play, experiment, learn. Sex is a constant learning. Therefore, we should not stop playing that is, practicing without demands or expectations experimenting, being curious and curious, and exploring new experiences. All this will allow us to know what we like, what we don’t and thus be able to ask for what we need.
  4. Look for new stimuli. In this game and constant exploration, we can introduce new stimuli that help to keep the desire alive or to awaken it. We can read erotic novels with the couple, introduce sex toys, try new positions, change roles, change the place where to have sex, play with the whole body and not only have a genital sexuality, perform massages as a couple, attend sessions of tantra, At the moment there is a very wide range of possibilities that did not exist before. We are going to name a few such as trying cybersex, swingers spaces, bondage and other practices.
  5. Improve sexual communication. It will help to keep the desire alive and to regain it by talking openly with our partner about what we like the most or what we do not like, about our sexual fantasies, about what we need at all times during sexual intercourse, always without taboos or limitations for, for example, masturbating in front of our partner or watching erotic and respectful series (Masters of Sex is one of them) and movies together. It can be a good exercise to discuss with your partner what you think of this TED Talk by the psychotherapist Ester Perel:
  6. Do aphrodisiac activities. Studies show that running raises testosterone levels. Dancing without established guidelines, receiving massages to release tension, practicing oriental and African dances, doing pelvic floor exercises or tantra are good allies to increase libido. Make time for them each day.
  7. Investigate what increases your desire. Regardless of who attracts you the most, you can investigate which situations are the most erotic for you.
  8. For example: Do you enjoy the beauty of the naked body and skin contact more or do you prefer the sophistication of erotic lingerie? Does it excite you to be near the beach and the heat or the intimacy of having a sexual relationship in front of a fireplace? Do you like a luxurious environment or an everyday situation more? Do you feel more sexual if they speak to you in whispers?
  9. Practice full breathing and sexuality. Sexual desire can be aroused through breathing. To do this, breathing must be continuous and circular, that is, there is no interval between inspiration and the release of air. Sighs can also increase our libido. It is important to unblock the diaphragm, neck, and pelvis with breathing and flexibility exercises.
MindFixes Staffhttp://mindfixes.com
MindFixes is dedicated to promoting mental health, preventing mental disorders and advocating, educating, and serving all people with mental and substance use conditions. MindFixes is determined to persevere, learn, grow, love and laugh through our wellness journey and we invite all to join.


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