Relationship Maintaining a personal space strengthens the relationship as a...

Maintaining a personal space strengthens the relationship as a couple


When we fall in love, we want to be in an almost permanent state of fusion with the person we love, but for the bond to be balanced and healthy we need to have a personal space in which to feel fulfilled.

The traditional roles assigned to women are related to surrender, complacency, self-denial, passivity, living for others and considering the well-being of others before your own. These stereotypes facilitate a type of relationship of submission and lack of personal space , with the consequent vital dissatisfaction and loss of self-esteem.

As Fina Sanz says in Loving Links (Kairós), “Our personal space, in general terms, is our life. It implicitly involves the concept of freedom, individuality, self-responsibility with one’s own life ”.

It is what we experience inside ourselves, our feelings, thoughts, illusions, fantasies, projects, interests, fears, hobbies, preferences, insecurities, decisions. And it is also our way of relating to others, the places we occupy and the roles we play.

It is then that the words of the psychotherapist Virginia Satir come true “I want to love you without absorbing you, appreciate you without judging you, join you without enslaving you, visit you without demanding you, leave you without feeling guilty, criticize you without hurting you and help you without belittling you. If you can do the same for me, then we will have truly gotten to know each other and can benefit each other. “


To achieve harmony between personal and shared spaces, it is necessary to dedicate a clear and sincere look to the relationship and to oneself.

  • Reflect on your day to day. Think about your thoughts, your fears, your concerns, your fantasies, your worries, your interests and your tastes. How are your relationships with people who are significant to you, what do you dedicate your time to and whether or not you do what you like and want?
  • Review your resignations. Have you been neglecting something important to you lately? Some events require such great dedication that it is easy to neglect personal space and forget what enriches us and helps us grow internally.
  • Value what you do together. How much shared space do you have? Does it match your needs and wants? For some couples it is important to have a private moment every day to comment on how the day has gone. For others it is important to go to dinner without their children every so often.
  • Enhance communication. Explain to your partner what you need. In the same way, ask him to tell you how he is and if he wants any changes. Lack of communication causes the bond to weaken and the relationship to distance itself. On the other hand, being aware of the needs helps us to update the couple, to restructure and renew vitality, illusion and personal and shared satisfaction.


Clara had not realized that for years she was so focused on her partner that, little by little, she had lost her space. He established the rules and she accepted them, always acting as expected of her, without speaking out and in a complacent manner. Everything seemed to be working fine, until one day she met some friends for lunch.

They all commented on how they were doing. María said that she had started a photography course. Rosa showed them photos of the study she had set up at home. Lola explained that she collaborated with an NGO. Aurora invited them to join her hiking group. They talked about their latest readings, their projects, their wishes, their shared and lonely moments.

Clara was silent for most of the time, experiencing pain, sadness and unease that she did not feel like sharing, despite being asked several times.

Her discomfort grew and she began to make small demands: open an email account, meet for dinner with a friend. Her partner did not like these initiatives, and conflicts began. He questioned her love and told her that if she behaved like that it was because she no longer wanted to be with him; every gesture Clara made aroused in him an insecurity that transformed into violence.

At the time of the breakup, she did not know who she was or what she wanted to do with her life, but over time she set goals that were helping her, little by little, to build her individuality beyond her relationships.

Shortly after, she told me with a smile that she was excited, living the experience of seeing her ability to enjoy awakening, to feel comfortable and motivated. After a very hard couple separation, she had realized that for a long time she had neglected her own life almost completely; In addition to the pain of loss, she had felt a great emptiness.

Now he was mobilizing his energy toward something that brought him satisfaction. She had started studying and was so excited that she had stopped looking at her ex and his life as her own. When I pointed out that I was smiling non-stop while sharing these feelings with me, she realized that it was a very important vital moment for her.

That’s how it is. To the extent that we have previously built our personal space and our identity, we will be able to establish more balanced and healthy affective bonds. People enrich and grow in our personal space, and that is something that we also contribute to the couple.

MindFixes Staff
MindFixes is dedicated to promoting mental health, preventing mental disorders and advocating, educating, and serving all people with mental and substance use conditions. MindFixes is determined to persevere, learn, grow, love and laugh through our wellness journey and we invite all to join.


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