How to Relations Couple discussions: how to end well

Relations Couple discussions: how to end well

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In the couple the arguments can be a light rain or a thunderstorm. Instead of feeding irony or reproach, it is preferable to recognize your own wishes and express them with respect and clarity.

Couple problems appear when it is made up of two dependent people, without their own life project and with a low level of emotional competencies and relationship and communication skills. Many of the conflicts that make it difficult or destroy a couple’s coexistence occur for five common causes:

  1. Fall into routine and accommodation. It happens, for example, when you act believing that once you have found the right person you have all the work done.
  2. The inability to share and communicate with serenity in difficult and crisis moments.
  3. The deterioration of the emotional climate in the coexistence of a couple.
  4. The territorial invasions. For example: not preserving individual spaces or the intimacy of the other, the desire for possession, the demand for exclusivity.
  5. Do not approach conflict situations and non-compliance with the relationship’s “emotional contract” (for example, infidelity) in an emotionally ecological way.

What to do when these situations arise? We give you strategies to reverse it.

IDENTIFY THE PRONGS OF THE RELATIONSHIP

Emotional pollution is the phenomenon by which we indiscriminately and irresponsibly throw out our emotional garbage, regardless of the impact they will have on the global emotional climate of the couple.

Following the example of the hedgehogs, we will analyze some painful quills that can deteriorate these relationships.

  • Prong 1: emotional blackmail

Vivien Leigh in Gone with the Wind: “But Rhett, if you go, what will become of me?” Where will I go?

Clark Gable: “Honestly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

You don’t have to be inconsiderate like Rhett, or rude, harsh or insensitive, although you do need to set clear boundaries at times. If they want to play with our feeling of guilt, we must appeal to the sense of responsibility of the one who tries:

“Without you what will become of me?”

-Well, it will be what you make it be. Your life is yours. The meaning of your life is yours. It is your responsibility.

  • Prong 2: Communicative autism

-What’s wrong?

-Any Nothing is wrong with me.

We find here a kind of battleship, closed and defensive, expressing neither thoughts nor feelings; isolated and locked in his own world without allowing access to the other. Communication is impossible because there are no bridges between the intimate territories of both.

The emotional umbilical cord that feeds the relationship stops receiving oxygen. Even if you try hard, you cannot unilaterally maintain a relationship.

  • Pick 3: Different dials

“I feel very discouraged!”

“Hey what have you prepared for dinner?”

Interpretation: “He doesn’t care about me. He uses me for his need or comfort.”

Impact: Sadness or anger. Initiation of an aggressive argument or isolation.

-I am fatal! –Well, I have had a day!

-You’re a selfish. You never listen to me. (Two errors: a value judgment and a generalization.)

-It is that you are always complaining. (Idem.)

Interpretation: Line closed and finished. They both say to themselves: “The important thing for me is me.” Impact: Feeling of loneliness. Throwing emotional garbage.

  • Prong 4: acquiescence

“Can’t you really live without me?”

-Yes

–And that I am the most important thing in your life?

-Yes

–And that you love me very, very, very much?

-Yes

“Oh, what beautiful things you say to me!”

Interpretation: The need to be praised and reinforced prevails over the need to live in reality and be loved in truth. Ventriloquism: the other is made to say what the other does not say or does not feel. And the other, passively, does it.

Impact: Promotes an unreal and false relationship. It fosters a space of comfort and routine. Feelings of resignation and annoyance. Emotional loneliness.

  • Prong 5: anger

Nasrudin’s wife started saying very nasty things about him. She was very angry and was behaving in a rude and aggressive manner. Nasrudin was sitting silently listening to her when suddenly the woman said to him:

“So you’re arguing with me again?”

“But I haven’t said a single word!”

-I already know it. But you are listening very aggressively!

Interpretation: We must learn to put limits to bad mood and to let go of it, without harming the other. Impact: When the bad mood takes control of our behavior we are a source that emanates “acid emotional rain” that burns our relationship.

ENCOURAGE COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR PARTNER

With what kinds of words do we communicate with our partner? By dart-words or seed-words? When we use dart words we act aggressively, we invade, we hit the other with them, and we create a toxic climate where love cannot grow.

When we use seed-words, we can enter his heart without invading him. They are words that create bridges, that unite, that heal.

We have the philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer to thank for this beautiful story: “On a dark and cold night, some hedgehogs discover that if they get together they are less cold. They get closer and closer, but they prick each other. Frightened, they move away. They move away, they regret having lost heat, but at the same time they fear the pain. After a while, and overcoming the fear, they come together again, and they hurt each other again. They continue like this for some time until they find the appropriate distance: that that allows them to warm themselves without pinching each other. ”

This account by Schopenhauer reveals a key point of personal relationships: not so close that we prick ourselves with our spikes, not so far as to feel too alone or isolated.

The safest door is the one that we can leave open, but limits are necessary in every relationship: we must mark them to avoid erecting borders and protective walls. Emotional communication is essential in a relationship.

For our relationship to grow, it is important to be able to express yourself without hiding or overprotecting yourself out of fear. This implies being able to say, for example: “I feel distressed”, “I am sad”, “Today I felt threatened when “, “I feel happy about “, “I love you” as well as receive a similar response.

10 WAYS TO COMMUNICATE WELL AS A COUPLE

  1. Reassure ourselves and dialogue from calm.
  2. If we feel unbalanced, it is better to postpone the discussion.
  3. Self-manage your own emotional garbage beforehand.
  4. Preserve our relationship from emotional and verbal contamination.
  5. Talk in the first person about what one thinks, feels and wants.
  6. Express what we really feel. What is not said turns into frustration?
  7. It is as valuable to attend to what is not said as to what is expressed.
  8. Agree on differences. From here it will be possible to work them.
  9. Avoid suffocation, possession and excessive control.
  10. Remember that it is very easy to destroy and damage, and much more complex and difficult to rebuild and heal the emotional wounds caused. Connect to the love that unites us to the other.

WHAT WE SAY AND WHAT WE DON’T

What we don’t say can be as important as what we do say. Attention to the non-verbal language of our partner can help us better understand a situation that sometimes puzzles us.

Sometimes we expect the other to intuit our needs without having expressed them. We fall into the fortune teller’s error: if you love me, you will know what I think, what I feel, what I expect. Then, when he does not guess well, we deduce that it is because he does not love us, instead of wondering if we have expressed ourselves clearly.

The complaint and recrimination to the express something that can no longer be changed only pollute the relationship. It is our responsibility to express ourselves better and teach our partner how to love us better, but always in the present. In the life of a couple there are many toxic phrases that undermine the relationship.

In the life of a couple there are many toxic phrases that undermine the relationship. They can respond to behaviors of control (Why don’t you tell me? ), Complaints ( You abuse my good faith! ), Victimhood ( Look how I am because of you ), insults or value judgments ( You have no idea ), possession ( I don’t want you to see it again ), demand ( You can’t be that late ) or contempt ( Only I can put up with you ).

HOW FAR TO GIVE IN

If we tighten the string of a bow too much, in the end it breaks; if we leave it too loose, it cannot perform its function. Similarly, the couple is only justified if it is a space for individual and joint growth and improvement.

In no case should it become an aggressive disrespectful space, which blocks us or amputates our potential. If we give up our personal essence to keep a person by our side, we lose our dignity and self-respect.

If we are not able to be generous or to prioritize our relationship, we will lose ourselves. Each person must find the balance point and each pair, too. A person becomes the victim of victims when their need to be loved outweighs their need to be respected.

To face difficulties it is necessary to be brave and not run away from the first obstacle that arises , but we will also need to have courage when, after having struggled to keep our relationship alive, we come to the conclusion that it has ended and that it is necessary to give it. By closed.

It is essential to learn to respect oneself to live a harmonious and loving relationship with our partner. As Oscar Wilde said: “Loving yourself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” Our life is worth what our loves are worth. But a couple’s love, like a river, needs two banks, and both are joined by the water that kisses both banks and communicates them.

A STORY WITH A MORAL

–Why do two people yell at each other when they are angry? Asked the teacher. Because then their hearts go far away. The angrier they are, the louder they will have to shout to be heard in the distance. But what happens when two people fall in love? Well, they don’t yell at each other but rather speak softly.

The reason is that their hearts are very close. When they fall even more in love, what happens? They just whisper. Finally, they don’t even need to whisper, they just look at each other and that’s it.

When you argue, do not let your hearts drift away, do not say words that distance them even more. The day will come when the distance is so great that you will not find your way back.

MindFixes Staffhttp://mindfixes.com
MindFixes is dedicated to promoting mental health, preventing mental disorders and advocating, educating, and serving all people with mental and substance use conditions. MindFixes is determined to persevere, learn, grow, love and laugh through our wellness journey and we invite all to join.

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