Transparency feeds the couple relationship, but it can also destroy it. To grow together you have to learn to connect freedom and commitment.
“Once upon a time there was a woman who lived disguised as a woman and a man who lived disguised as a man. When they met, they believed that comedy and formed a couple. The false man and the false woman, making tremendous efforts, reached a drowsiness that they called happiness. The real man and woman never got to know each other. ”
With this story of Alejandro Jodo-rowsky we introduce this article in which we ask the honesty of our relations partner.
Do we show ourselves as we really are or do, we use masks to hide a reality that we consider risky to show?
The fear of rejection, lack of self-esteem, seeking a solution to an incomplete life, the use of the other, These are pollutants that prevent the construction of a good love.
Only honesty will make possible an emotional climate where a trust will be born that will be the basis for achieving an emotionally balanced partner.
“I am looking for the person who is capable of loving the other without punishing him for it, without making him prisoner or bleeding him; that person from the future who knows how to carry out a love independent of social advantages or disadvantages, so that love is always an end in himself and not love with a view to an end. ”
This is how Carl Jung expressed his desire to find a person capable of giving love in its purest form, uncontaminated by other purposes, in a letter to Sigmund Freud.
After almost a century, where are we? Have we moved closer or further away from Jung’s ideal? Are we honest with our partner?
CAN REASONABLE PROMISES BE MADE?
According to Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, on one of his travels through the small planets, the Little Prince met a geographer who wrote down mountains, rivers and stars in a large logbook.
“The Little Prince wanted to register his flower, but the geographer told him: -We do not register flowers, because ephemeral things cannot be taken as a reference.
– What does ephemeral mean? asked the Little Prince.
-Efimer means threatened with rapid disappearance.
When the Little Prince heard this, he was very saddened. He had realized that his rose was fleeting. ”
We promise to love each other for life, but it is unrealistic to promise feelings since they do not depend on our will.
If we can, instead, promise behaviors: I promise you that I will feed every day this love that I feel for you today. I promise you that if one day I do not feel love for you, I will continue to respect you as a person and seek your well-being. Or in another line: I will continue to live with you even if my heart and my desire are elsewhere. I promise to share my salary, my checking account and my possessions, spend my vacations with you, sleep in your bed.
And while it is also possible to miss these promises can be more honest to-the the current marriage formula will love you till death do us part.
Living as a couple no longer implies the obligation to reach the limit when it comes to solving coexistence problems, nor does it imply having to put up with certain dishonest, selfish, disrespectful or violent attitudes.
Without love or personal growth, what justifies living as a couple?
LOVE IS A MATTER OF TRUST
Confidence is an impossible feeling to impose. Demanding trust is absurd because it is impossible.
Confidence is a difficult construction to lift and very easy to sink but, at the same time, it is the key that allows access to the other.
It is not born from what we say but from what emerges from coherent action. A person who keeps his mind-emotion-action axis balanced generates confidence.
“- Do you trust your partner? ” Several participants were asked in a course.
” Totally, ” most of them said.
– Do you have any possessions in common?
” A house, an apartment, a bank account “ were some answers.
-Then, if you trust them fully, tomorrow you go to the notary and put all your common possessions in their name.
– No way! -was the general reaction. ”
People entrust their partner with all their emotional capital and share with her the responsibility for the education and care of their children, but they do not consider her to be upright and honest enough to be fair when it comes to distributing the common goods in case of separation.
HONESTY, FIDELITY AND CONSISTENCY
“My tactic is to be frank / and know that you are frank / and that we do not sell each other simulacra / so that between the two / there is no curtain or abyss.”
Mario Benedetti suggests that faithful is the person capable of respecting a commitment made in freedom. The commitment is an obligation contracted by a promise or by the word given.
The fidelity is not a feeling, but the attitude and behavior that we face a reality, from a previous commitment.
Only if we are able to be true to ourselves can we be true to our partner. To be loyal means to keep due fidelity, to be incapable of treason.
Being honest and honest means avoiding unfair actions and deception. Being sincere means avoiding simulation and showing our thinking and feeling by focusing on coherence with our reality.
NOBODY OWNS ANYBODY
“The point was not that Alice did not trust Eric, but that she did not consider herself a person capable of inspiring the loyalty of someone else’s affection for an extended period of time.” (Alain de Botton)
Nobody owns anybody. The pretense of diluting or mixing with the other is headed for failure or self-destruction. First of all, one must be true to oneself.
Being faithful means acting according to our deepest feelings and our personal ethics. And to be faithful we must be courageous and live consistently.
Alice cannot trust her partner because she is unable to trust herself, her self-esteem is low, and she ignores her value as a human being. This relationship will fail if Alice does not grow and mature.
HOW TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF?
Fidelity has many nuances. An effective dialogue with your partner allows you to prevent problems by anticipating them.
Fidelity is not easy to define. Who are we faithful to? Should fidelity be maintained at any price? Is it possible to be faithful to another person if we stop being faithful to ourselves and what we feel?
We associate being unfaithful with sexual infidelity, with the breach of the exclusivity clause and less with the fact of going “on the sly”, lying or cheating.
“My partner cheated on me, ” someone says. And all interpret that the cheating refers to a sexual infidelity. In few cases, deception is interpreted as a lack of sincerity or honesty in the relationship.
But deception does not exist if the relationship framework is well defined and respected. Nor will there be if the communication is sincere.
If there is a commitment to keep each other sexual fidelity and one wishes to change this relational clause, this must be expressed to the other, with sincerity and clarity.
In this way, you act honestly and allow your partner to freely choose whether to accept it or not. There will always be some price to pay but, in any case, there will be no deception.
The problem arises when, in order to avoid losses that one does not want to take, the other is deceived in an attempt to have the best of “both worlds”. There begins the dishonesty, suffering and infidelity.
It is not the same to be faithful to a person because you choose to be, then to be faithful for fear of being punished or paying the price of being discovered.
In the first case, the behavior is coherent and implies fidelity to oneself; in the second case, you are unfaithful to yourself and dishonest with your partner.
WHEN THE MIRROR BREAKS
“The demand to renounce deception about one’s own situation is the demand to renounce a situation that necessitates deception.” (Karl Marx).
Many sexually unfaithful people are not able to accept the same behavior in their partner. In other words, although they feel free to lie to her, they do not accept being the ones who are excluded or deceived.
Experience tells us that continued emotional cheating can cause more pain than one-off sexual infidelity.
This can be understood and accepted better than the fact that for many years the couple has maintained a parallel and hidden emotional life, showing themselves as they really were not, for fear of losing their status.
When you become aware of it, you can direct the aggressiveness towards yourself. To the pain of the infidelity of the couple is added the suffering caused by their ignorance, naivety and carelessness.
You may feel like you have failed by not being able to protect yourself and blaming yourself for not being able to keep your relationship. Some people hate themselves for having “done it so badly.”
When the mirror breaks it is useless to stick the pieces together. A mirror like this will give a totally distorted image of the person in front of it.
If we compare the relationship based on love and trust, to a mirror, infidelity – in all its ranges: deception, betrayal, dishonesty, disloyalty – is the rupture of it.
Putting together the pieces of a shattered relationship and gluing them together will not work well. The mirror will never be the same again.
Faced with an infidelity, it is necessary to take time to put order to the emotional chaos that occurs and assess what we feel, what we think and what we really want in our life and consider our freedom in the light of inner knowledge.
Freedom is the difference between two monosyllables: Yes and No, said Octavio Paz.
If we say Yes to our relationship, after an infidelity, we must be aware that the work that awaits us will be hard.
It will no longer be a matter of gluing the remaining pieces of the relationship, but of recasting the broken pieces with a lot of love. Good love has the ability to smooth the surface of the mirror again.
Thanks to its power, the image that it will return to us can once again be sharp and perfect. But this is not free.
WHEN IS IT PREFERABLE TO SEPARATE?
“What God has joined together, man must not untie”; the formula with which the religious ritual of marriage is closed is uncertain.
Men and women may decide to separate their paths when they diverge, an irreconcilable conflict arises or when continuing together threatens their own integrity or dignity.
The couple relationship should not be an end in itself but a choice for personal and joint growth.
When it becomes a source of suffering and imbalance, it will have to be “unleashed.”
The success of the couple depends on the capacity for personal improvement, generosity and loving behaviors of those who form it.