Emotions What to do if your partner has pathological jealousy

What to do if your partner has pathological jealousy


Showing jealousy can indicate a lack of self-esteem, but when it becomes pathological, it is much more. In reality, it is an addiction that hides a narcissistic personality with impulses to destroy if you are not the chosen one.

Jealous compulsives suffer from destructive narcissism. That means they seek to be the only chosen one of those who love them, but they also need to destroy an invented rival.

In other words, we would be very wrong if we believed that deep down in pathological jealousy, what is produced is only a failure in the jealous person’s self-esteem, with its corresponding compulsion to seek narcissistic recognition, constantly testing the partner.

That would be one of the most common interpretations –with which those who are its victims tend to remain, but the truth is that it is a much more serious and complex picture.


A celotypical person does not simply want to catch that object of satisfaction that someone else supposedly has, but what has been crystallized from the scene is hatred, anger and the desire to destroy whoever possesses it.

Find satisfaction in a state of explosion of anger, like someone tense, tense and tense and the discharge are pleasure. It is a cycle whose sequence begins with the provocation towards the loved person who is supposedly unfaithful and ends with the aggressive elimination of who, imaginatively, would be enjoying, in one way or another, the situation of infidelity.

These pathological pictures need psychotherapy that works in depth to discover the cause of these destructive addictions.

The forms of expression, the degree of consciousness and towards what these pathological jealousies are directed very often differ in the case of men and women.


In the jealous man, the most common is that the provocation occurs in the form of questions and aggressive statements towards his partner about an alleged infidelity:

“You like the guy at the next table, right? How do you stop looking at it! ” “Don’t deny it to me because your eyes go behind him.” “I do not care. But admit that it makes you.” “You are always provoking, with those clothes and with that look, that it seems that you want to eat it.”

Faced with this questioning, if the woman thinks of answering no, the pathological jealous man will say that he is cheating on him. If, on the contrary, she answers yes, another string of unanswerable questions will begin and she will be accused of being a hypocrite and having been lying until that moment.

The mechanism that triggers pathological jealousy in man is quite unconscious: they do not know the cause of their mistrust because they are convinced that it is objective. They believe that she looks or is made to look at another man in a shameless way and that the problem is with her partner.

His hidden purpose is to destroy his partner, who is supposedly involved with the one he observes. The scene explodes with the jealous victim crying and him hitting something or leaving the place.

The most disconcerting thing about this celotypical picture is that, once the storm has passed, he calms down and repents of his fury, asks for forgiveness and lives for a while with a certain normality. The circuit is closed, but it does not take long to start over again because at no time is the origin of their conflict questioned.


In the case of women, pathological lattice is usually much more sibylline: it tries to manage to isolate the partner from any other person, especially women or stimuli other than herself.

The strategies used are very conscious and they are very clear that what they want is to make an infallible unit, creating a bunker where only she and her partner strictly fit.

His tactics will be those of, subtly but insistently, criticizing, pointing out and highlighting the defects and damages that certain relationships can cause him or the family.

It will begin by isolating it from places where there may be direct competitors, but later, progressively, it will spread to friends, family and even hobbies who take time and dedication to that small island of two.

The truth is that, although they are aware of their movements, they are not aware of the ultimate reason why they need to reduce the other to its minimum expression in order to feel satisfied. And it is that, in reality, the enjoyment is found in the control and dominance of the person who accompanies her and, in the revenge, directed towards her supposed rivals.


In most cases, the love relationships of people suffering from pathological jealousy end in separation or divorce. His need to destroy an invented rival ends up ruining the couple itself. Until this outcome occurs, certain patterns are usually repeated. Knowing them can be helpful:

  • Jealousy episodes are more and more common

We are faced with a duplicity: a part of the jealous may behave in a normal way, but cyclically and more and more often, they provoke conflict situations that they know very well. In that state they find an unconscious jouissance.

This type of enjoyment is addictive and, as such, has an ascending scale of tension creation. The climax comes when the aggressiveness reaches the maximum and it is possible to reduce the other.

  • The challenge is not to allow them to use us for their enjoyment

We need to reduce or cancel that way of enjoying to redirect it towards the love aspect. One of the keys will be, as it would be done with any addiction, not to fall into the traps that the jealous subject places. That is, not lend ourselves to be used as an object through which you will get your dose of adrenaline.

  • If they provoke us, we don’t bite the bait

In the case of the pathological jealous man, the weapon he uses the most is to comment on the clothing, makeup, how and where his partner sits, on what attitude he has with others, his supposed psychological weakness. With these comments they begin the fateful sequence. We must try not to get caught up in the contents of what it tells you. There is no need to take the hook. What do we do then in this situation?

  • Upon detecting this pattern, we must resolve the situation

It is necessary to cut short because, whatever we answer, we will only be able to open the box of thunder that, unconsciously, he seeks. They are not dialogues, they are monologues of the jealous man and his ghosts.

  • Let’s try to reinforce everything that is constructive

It is a good idea to try to promote common projects in which the satisfaction of achieving the desired objectives between the two is highlighted.

We will try to spread the way of being well through the enjoyment of others. The central idea is that there is a transfer from pathological enjoyment to the enjoyment of sharing. Little by little, with large doses of patience, perhaps we can redirect the situation.

  • Pay attention to criticism towards close people

If the person who moves along this pathological jealousy line is a woman, her management is more calculated and gradual, but a sequence also occurs in her.

It usually begins with a negative criticism of someone in the context of the couple, which increases and insists until, finally, the jealousy gets this friend, partner or family member to stop being part of the partner’s environment.

  • Let’s analyze if our circle of trust has been reduced

If our hypothesis is correct, what will happen is that, to the extent that enjoyment is in annihilating any type of competition, there will come a time when, not only will all friendships and family relationships be lost, but, in the meantime, that its field of action is increasingly reduced, because rivals have been liquidating.

  • Let’s reverse this attitude from the beginning

Faced with criticism about others, let’s argue that you can have partial relationships with people and that they can be enriching, even with their shortcomings. Let’s propose activities and plans in which sharing, helping and getting satisfaction out of it prevail.

MindFixes Staffhttp://mindfixes.com
MindFixes is dedicated to promoting mental health, preventing mental disorders and advocating, educating, and serving all people with mental and substance use conditions. MindFixes is determined to persevere, learn, grow, love and laugh through our wellness journey and we invite all to join.


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